Lauren Nicole

So, I guess I had forgotten that I made that last post (or more likely I had a bottle of wine before I wrote it, so I forgot.) Which is part of why I'm here...

I've finally decided to make an appt with a doctor and a counselor to help me figure some things out. I NEVER thought that this would be an issue that I would have to deal with, but I have changed a lot this year, and I dont feel like it is for the better. I want the old me back. The one who is confident and happy... where did she go? and how do I find her again?

Those are the things I want to address, and soon. I am starting to feel depths of sadness that I didnt know I had in me. I am constantly on the verge of tears... I am behaving in ways that crave immediate satisfaction. Things like drinking, which I do daily... shopping, spending money I know that I shouldnt be spending, but needing that boost of whatever good feeling it gives me as Im swiping that card, or making that cute selection. Even online shopping...I have not been eating consistently... most nights I just "drink my dinner," and that is a direct quote.

While all of those things provide a short boost... long term, they are all destructive. See? I KNOW this stuff in my head... why cant I make my head and my actions align? I feel like I have lost myself completely... and I dont know what else to do. There is war going on inside me, and I want it to end soon! :(

Losing Myself

These last few months I have really struggled with knowing my ever-changing self, and struggling to reestablish my identity. I know that I have evolved, probably ten-fold, since I have had enough time to enjoy my time and reflect on who I am, and I am trying to find out just who I've turned out to be... or who I am going to turn out to be.

Questions that I struggle with daily are: Am I a good person? Am I a trustworthy person? Am I a good friend? Am I lovable? Am I attractive? Am I honest with myself?

I have been fighting these self esteem issues for the first time. I used to be so sure of myself. Who I was. What I represented. What my moral foundations meant to me. (the level of crazy I'm capable of.) Now I feel like somehow I have lost all of that. I don't know how or why, but my personal identity feels like a hologram, rather than an ever-present figure. People that used to contribute to my high self-esteem, now contribute to this conflict I am having. I feel emotionally and physically abandoned with my marriage... and there is no resolution currently in sight. Professionally I feel insecure, where I used to feel confident and strong.

Is this something that everyone experiences? Is it just a phase/stage/age?I keep thinking I will bounce back, but mostly I just want to run away. Start fresh. Try again. :(

Dreaming

I am toying around with the idea of keeping a dream diary, but the concept seems like one that will get me into trouble! It's not that I feel like my dreams are a reflection of my heart's true desires... but more of just little tidbits from my day that my subconscious wants to play with when I fall asleep!

But still, if I dream about another man, or another woman for that matter... will Kellen consider it a betrayal? Does the fact that I remember my dreams and he doesn't constitute a different standard? Just because he doesn't remember an erotic dream doesn't mean he has never had one... not that I would want him to share it with me if he did have one... but I digress. If I keep one, I want to keep it entirely private to avoid this very situation. I want it so that I, and I alone, can remember the intense dreams that I have... especially the ones that I particularly enjoy! But even the ones that I don't! I think it's so fascinating the way the mind works when we are sleeping!

Is this something that I can do without committing an offense? They are, after all... just dreams :)

Cards a little closer to the vest...

In the past, I have talked about my need to internalize, and keep a few things to myself... recently I have realized that maybe the reason I had so much trouble with that is because I loved who I was, what I stood for, what I thought, where I was going, etc., and I wanted to share that with everyone I knew...
Recently, I have been struggling with some thoughts that make it more difficult to keep my book "open." I have been questioning a lot of decisions that I have made in my life, as I am sure that most people have at some point. Questions like "am I happy?" "do I know how to be happy?" "do I know what will make me happy?" "am I doing the right thing?" I could go on forever... While I am assured that all of these are normal questions to ask, they have made me freak out in a way that I was previously unfamiliar. It leaves me highly uncomfortable, unwilling to share, and leaves me looking for something...
This phase, stage, age, whatever... is making me go off the deep end! I am still waiting for myself to come back and be like "Lauren, stop being stupid. You have always known what you wanted, that is why you are where you are today. No one has ever been able to talk you out of anything you wanted to do, and you never asked permission. get over yourself woman!" While she is slowly coming back... its hard to be without her. My frustrations with my marriage, my job, my friendships, leave me completely un-confident (if that's a word) right now. It's difficult to talk to anyone about, because then I have to admit feelings of inadequacy, and self doubt, and that is just not what I am all about. More than these feelings, I have to also address this persona I portray of who I am and what I represent... not just myself, but with my relationship. In a few weeks, Kellen and I will have been together for SIX YEARS. Kellen and Lauren. Lauren and Kellen. Consistent. Practical. Responsible. Driven. Accomplished.
Six years with one person, and we have both evolved ten-fold. Most of that has to do with the time period in our lives that we have been together... who doesn't change ten-fold from 16 to 22/23? We expected it, just not in the way that it happened.
Kellen and I are going through this difficult time of rediscovery. The things that we both loved about each other are now changing and it presents the most difficult challenge we have ever gone through... for me anways.
In this way, I always feel like the hell-raiser. Kellen says I have a tendency to awfulize things in my life.. which may be true. When I lived at home, if I didnt start an argument about something, then everything was okay (so my dad says, he likes the peace and quiet.) It is very similar with Kellen in this way, because as long as I smile and go through the motions, his needs are met and everything is fine. (just shut up, Lauren.) But the needs of a simple man are not difficult to satisfy... the needs of a crazy woman on the other hand... need a little attention!
Because of these thoughts and self-doubts, I now understand how someone can keep the cards a little closer to the vest. I am trying to make it through these feelings and remain intact. I am withdrawing from the bitch sessions we all have at work about our unsuspecting husbands... I am trying to concentrate on deciding to be happy, embracing what I have, and making it work for me. I need to stop looking for other things to fullfill me and work on making the things I have satisfy me. Sounds easy enough, right?

Random

Did you know that fish have a memory span of two seconds? It's true. Think about it... they are capable of living in a fish aquarium, but only because EVERYTHING is a new experience for them... "oh look, a new rock!... where did that sea weed come from?! Hello there frog!" They must live in a state of constant excitement and surprise...

... I had a dream about my fish once. They were swimming in the fish aquarium, but instead of water, they were swimming in milk. This was not a problem, except they couldn't see where they were going. So, all I could see, was the impact of the fish hitting the glass of the aquarium, and they were saying "help me! help me!" in a really high pitched voice! It was interesting.

Let's talk about what makes the news:


On Farrah, etc.
O'Neal tells mag he accidentally hit on daughter

WHAAAT? Let's identify what exactly is wrong here: 1) father hits on his estranged daughter 2) he does it at the FUNERAL of his soulmate! Was he looking for some sympathy bootie? EWWW! I will NOT be checking out that issue of Vanity Fair. By the way, this was not on PerezHilton, this was on msn.com.

Thats all I have for today... I am uninspired.

Month of May

No, I have not suffered from bloggers' block :) the reason I have not been active lately is because this month has held so many things to do for me that I just have not had time!

This month has held a lot of "growing up" for Kellen and I. We closed on our house, renovated it, moved in, made "big girl/ big boy" decisions, and completely erased any possibility that we might still be children... we are in the real world now.

Kellen has decided to finally leave the company that has treated him like crap for so long... He will be pursuing other opportunities :) thank goodness! While this is a big stress, because we dont know what the immediate future holds for his job, we are so happy that he will be moving on from this place.

We have become officially financially independent. We used to have our cell phones on our parents plans, but this month, we also got on our own plans. (My dad said "Yay, I got a $10 raise! He is a hoot!)

Speaking of my parents, they were able to come up Memorial Day weekend and really help out around the house. My mom and I painted the master bedroom, while Dad and Kellen laid the baseboards (that look awesome!) and hung ceiling fans in the bedrooms, and also the water hose holders on the sides of the house. We got a lot done that weekend and it was so nice to see my family! Then, my uncle Wade and his family helped us move the big furniture, and he even power washed the fence for us! It was so wonderful to have so much help on the house that weekend! We have a great family!!

Kellen also finished another semester of school this month. This is always a topic of conversation because it is such a major stress for Kellen. Bless his heart, he is busting his butt to get done, but there always seems to be another obstacle for him to overcome (namely, Woodforest National Bank.) that is why we are so happy that he will be able to look for something else! He made wonderful grades last semester, and he deserved them! He applied for Grad school, and should be starting that coursework in the fall. It is hard for Kellen also because he could just throw his hands up in the air, say "I'm done!" and still have a bachelors degree! That is why this last year is so difficult because you just have to keep your eyes on the prize and not think about the short term, which is easier said than done!

"Sometimes you have to laugh just to keep from crying..." that seems like a constant mantra in our house :) we have learned how to enjoy little things like sitting on our back porch together, or taking a walk around the neighborhood (A. because it is cheap, and B. because we can do those things now that we have a house.)

Overall, this month was just a lot of hard work, a lot of growing up, a lot of responsibility, and a lot of making difficult decisions. We learned how to install laminate wood floors, how to patch a hole, how to replace a light fixture, a lot about lawn maintenance, dog-grooming even! It has been a wonderful, and awful month at the same time! :)

Internalizing...

It has become obvious to me that I may speak a little too much... just in general. Maybe a little mystique would do me well?

I tend to overshare... I just say what I think, when I think it. If I find a funny situation, I repeat it, and enjoy it all over again. I laugh not only to myself but to everyone, and while I really like doing this, I think I might need to turn it down a notch.

I am not sure if this was part of some developmental stage that I missed out on... if it is an immature characteristic, or a personality flaw.. but I am going to give it a whirl, and try to internalize a little bit more. It seems like it would only serve me well. Maybe sometimes I shouldnt show all of my cards?

I know it is going to be difficult for me because I like to be an open book. (Kellen hates that, he is more of a semi-cracked book) I will have to use a filter, which is also difficult... but I think I can do it. I just need to establish a habit out of it.

At least I put it in writing... shoot, this blog is a testament to my oversharing tendencies. I could keep a journal and show noone (which I still do for the stuff I would never allow to be posted...) but typing is less difficult than writing, and journaling makes me feel like I am twelve again. (I journaled a LOT back then... my counselor was upset when I told her I had tossed them all out... who wants to see the tear stained pages of my adolesence??)

Again, oversharing... UGH. I have to stop this! :) Wish me luck! I will need it!

Tempers

When describing my personality, people rarely use the words tender, kind, docile, or soft spoken. While I do have a very sweet side (I think), I also am very strong willed, stubborn, and quick to anger...

That quick to anger part is one that I have really been trying to work on recently. Especially with Kellen, and Chewie! I tend to get very "frustrated" as I like to call it, when things go awry... as they seem to always do! Chewie barking, chewie peeing, pooping on the floor, all seem to be triggers (why did we get a dog?).

But mostly, I am trying to work on my temper with Kellen! We seem to have been at each others' throats lately, mostly because we have problems communicating. We both think very VERY differently, and that is hard when you are trying to work on communication. For example, my perception of Kellen's thought process (if you could call it one) is "Me, Kellen... you, Lauren." (like Me, Tarzan... you, Jane.) Kellen is so focused on school, accounting, books, work, that he rarely thinks about anything else. I say that I understand, and I really do try to be supportive, but I get so frustrated (and lonely) when he really doesn't have time to even say hello, or most of the time, goodbye!

Through some specific conversations and issues that have come up, Kellen basically explained how detrimental my temper was to him, and I really cant blame him. I have a tendency to fly off the handle in some situations.... work, school, tax office officials that piss me off, road rage... just in general. I am really trying to tone it down, and mellow out a little more! It is hard for me... that perfectionist inside just doesnt want to let it go... but I think I am going to have to for my sanity, and for Kellen's!

PS- I am also trying to stop cussing :) but sometimes it just feels so good!

Typical Friday Night

First, just a random thought: I hate the term "bumping uglies." Why, in the world, would anyone feel compelled to use that description?!

Moving on... I feel like I must share this story, as it totally sums up my home life!

Last night was a typical Friday... I got off of work, Kellen was at home doing some studying, so I ran to Wade & Michelle's to pick up some stuff I bought from Mary Kay. I get home about 8:15, and I walk in the door of my apartment... SMOKE EVERYWHERE!

I asked Kellen what in the world was going on, and then he told me: he had cooked himself some egg sandwiches! The WHOLE apartment (all 300 square feet of it) smells like egg, burnt egg. So, agitated, I ask him why the window is all messed up (the curtains are janky and the blinds have been toussled). He tells me the window is open. Well he has the blinds closed! So, I ask him what he thinks he is accomplishing by leaving the windows open with the blinds completely shut?!

Mind you, while all of this is happening, he is barely phased, because he is attentively watching RAMBO. I tell him to open the door, and turn the fan on, so I can see the other side of the apartment (since the smoke has literally clouded the apartment at this point). As SOON as Kellen opens the door, Chewie SHOOTS out the door like he has never seen the light of day! So now, here goes Kellen chasing after him, egg sandwich in hand, chasing him around the apartment complex!!

OMG! I mean, sure I started out irritated, but at this point it was like a family comedy! all of a sudden I am a Griswold and everything that can go wrong does! Once I finally got Sylvester Stalone off of the TV, I could finally have a good laugh! (I hate Rambo by the way). I even woke up laughing about it this morning...

The View

I can no longer ignore it, I have a problem! Hello, my name is Lauren, and I hate the View!

When I have said this before, people ask, "Why, because they are opinionated women?" HA!! Opinionated my butt! Oprah is opinionated... these ladies fight the entire hour between 10-11AM because they all have an opinion, each of them totally different, and they are all experts on the topic of debate. BOO.

I am a huge supporter of people admitting immediately that they are not masters of the subject at hand! I do it all the time! There are arguments I will not get into with people because I just dont know enough about it to accurately defend my weak position- which could probably be easily changed if I was educated about it.

Religion is one of those topics- I have my fundamental beliefs, but I do not have the background to explain to you how we arrived on this earth. I have a personal belief in creation, not evolution, but I wont get into a debate with a scientific professional about it... they have years of research to support the opposite opinion! Not to mention the fact that maybe I dont want my mind changed, and I just want to rely on a little blind faith!

Politics is another! I find that I am instinctively conservative, but that I am not up to date on a good deal of the political activities that happened within the last 24 hours (who does?). I have several issues that I am still developing an opinion, and sometimes it is okay to say, "you know what, I don't have an opinion about [blank]." Another problem I have with this is believing the information that does make it to my television, and how corrupt the political system is, has been, and will likely always be! So, I try to believe about half of what I hear, keep my opinions to myself, and pray to GOD that things end up okay!

Change Scene: Back to the View. These women refuse to take a soft stance on much, which makes me want to go crazy! It sounds like a cat fight on national television! Not to mention the lack of standards they have for any of their guests! Yesterday, Spencer and Heidi from the Hills were on the show! I am sure they were able to offer some stimulating conversation about plastic surgery and living in hollywood with no job. Thanks for the contribution to our lives, ladies! (vomit). DISCLAIMER: I have not actually watched anything more than blurbs of this show, so I cannot elaborate further! It comes on our television at work, so the moment I hear these women cackling, I change the station!!

I do think the View is a poor representation of women around the country. We are not all that difficult to discuss anything with... I can just imagine Elisabeth Hasselbeck arguing with her husband about the way the toilet paper roll goes, or Barb proclaiming her stance on world issues in her living room to her cats! Please just spare us!

No more View! No more View! No more View! Watch Oprah! :)

Angels of the Sea Must be Free

Yes, I am an active Sea World Protestor... as long as active means that I never go there and any time any of my friends go there, I try to talk them out of it. I do not, however, post up in front of Sea World with signs... but I probably would if there was a rally :)

So, one summer, my family and I innocently went on a dolphin tour in Corpus Christi called the Dolphin Encounter. It is given by two University of North Texas marine biologists who have followed the same pod of dolphins for over ten years (probably twenty by now.) Anyway, they happily informed me of all of the horrors of Sea World, and they didnt have great things to say about the Texas State Aquarium either. They sold me a T-shirt that said Angels of the Sea Must be Free, and it stuck!

Dolphins, apparently, are one of the few animals that do not breathe involuntarily. They have to actually cut off one side of their brain at a time to "sleep" so that they will still breathe. They are also very social, and live thier whole lives in these pods of dolphins and stay with the same family. When they get separated from their pods and placed into captivity, they actually become depressed. This is why the first thing Sea World teaches them to do is to lift their tails to receive antidepressant injections! The unfortunate thing is, it doesn't actually make them not depressed, it just keeps them from shutting off both sides of their brain. Essentially, this keeps them from committing dolphin suicide. Instead, they will do things like try to beach themselves, or run into the concrete walls.

There is also the issue of the chlorine that keeps the salt water clear, is an irritant to the natural lining of the dolphins' skin. It also deteriorates the mucus lining that covers their eyes.

There are interesting studies on the lack of reproduction of dolphins in captivity. The very few that do breed (because they are depressed), the babies die because they have no exposure to natural bacteria and have a weakened immune system. So, I am sure you can infer that all dolphins that are in captivity have been CAPTURED from the wild. All of them. Most of them are captured in the Pacific near the Asian coast, because it is highly illegal in the U.S. (to capture, not to buy), so Sea World pays thousands of dollars for each dolphin, and when one dies, an order is placed for another one. How sweet.

So, PLEASE reconsider before going to Sea World! I know that it is a fun experience to see the marine life, but at what cost are you willing to see them? If you want to see a killer whale, or a family of dolphins, go take a tour on a boat and see them in the wild! They are much more beautiful in their natural habitat!

Fancy Things

Okay, so someone brought this up today, and I really want to expand a little on it... What is it with the obsession with material things? Especially with the way the economy is, you would think that people would be able to pull back a little bit- eat more at home, don't go shopping, cancel the memberships, etc.

So, when things started getting a little tighter in my budget (gas was getting more expensive, groceries, utilities) we did little things to cut back: canceled the tanning membership (for my health too), started dying my own hair (saving $100 every 3 months), we planned one date night every week and committed to spending less than $30 each meal. I didn't shop much to begin with, but a small closet will also cramp your shopping style. We just tried to cut back our lifestyle so that we were saving SOMETHING.

During all of my efforts to save money, I have run into several people who refuse to cut back on their spending! (my exposure is greater because I work at a bank). I dont understand why we feel sorry for people who are losing their homes because they had to go to Olive Garden and take the whole family. You can't make your house payment, but you have a Coach purse, or a Louis Vuitton (I probably didn't even spell that correctly).

The American obsession with material things is sad and it really repulses me. You don't have to have expensive cars to survive (I prove that), you dont need armani shoes, gucci bags, a thousand accessories, and $100 jeans. We have become accustomed to this lifestyle of immediate gratification, and we want for nothing (except our homes :) ) I am personally satisfied when the balance of my bank account rises, not when I see another girl envy me for the clothes I am wearing- trust me, NO ONE does that! :) No one envies my old navy tee and my aeropostale jeans, with my seven year old flip flops! But you know what, I am saving for a house, paying off my loans, I don't owe much more on my car, and I am perfectly okay with all of that. I even wish I was okay with less...

I think it is admirable for people to be minimalists, and our elders were forced into lives of minimalism when the economy was bad in the past... now, people refuse to give up the lifestyle, so the government feels like they need to get involved- which is never a good idea in my opinion, but that is another story altogether! People should be saving for their kids' college, investing their retirement, living frugally, or at least more frugally than they currently are!

Anyway, my whole point, is to get rid of the Fancy Things. Seriously, they are not adding value to your life, or your bank account!

Love Affair with the Dollar Store

I recently re-discovered the dollar store, and I could not be more head over heels!!

First of all, I want to recommend this place to EVERYONE who needs to save a few bucks! I went on a shopping trip for work, but I had to go back for myself afterwards so I could fill up my basket with all of the bargains!!

The scary part, is that I am quoting the obscene prices that I pay for all of this stuff at WALMART (who I thought was saving me money, my butt!)

Here is what I made off with for $20!

1. 27 ft of aluminum foil (large)
2. 35 ft of aluminum foil (small)
3. four bars of Irish Spring soap
4. six medium bristle toothbrushes
5. plastic strainer (which I have desperately needed)
6. 200 straws
7. eight dog toys/ treats (These were the BIGGEST bargain- and the main reason I went back!)
8. iPod earbuds
9. a candle lighter
10. chip clips (nice ones!!)

Total, this was 20 items! I could not believe it :) Chewie thought it was his birthday! (and my little baybay deserves it!!)

While I do acknowledge its inferior goods, items near expiration, discontinued merchandise, and off-brand products, I have decided I am not above them! That is where I will be buying my q-tips, cotton balls, kitchen utensil replacements, and dog toys! (There are also some killer hair extension-headbands in awesome colors in their party department!) They even have a wedding aisle, OMIGOD hilarious!

I do recommend it for stocking stuffers, and easter basket fillers! I am going to get Ty his next few presents from there! They have some pretty neat stuff! The whole trick is to determine which are a bargain and which are not (like the flower seed packets-those are 33 cents at Lowe's) but the picture frames are a steal! They even have a whole cleaning aisle that is unbelievable-mops and brooms for $1!! laundry and dishwasher detergent too!

I will let you know how my adventures at the dollar tree turn out in the future- there is also some dang good people watching going on there, if you know what I mean!

**by the way, Chewie has left me in peace throughout this whole post because he is playing with his new toys- he doesn't know which to play with first!**

Questions about Catholicism

Recently I have been around several Catholic practices (a wedding, lent, Ash Wednesday, communion, etc.) and it has raised some questions that I even had to call up a Catholic friend to ask.

So, before I begin, let me include a disclaimer! This is in no way meant to criticize the Catholic religion, or say that it is wrong in any way! I just have some questions that I raised, that I really want answers to! I in no way think that I am better than any Catholic person, or that my religious beliefs are more right... this is not what this post is about!

The first question that I encountered was this: why can non-catholic Christians not partake in the communion ceremony? When I asked my Catholic friend, she explained to me that it was a sacrament, and it was very important to their religion. Another friend told me that "It's different for Catholics, because they actually believe that it is the body of Christ they are taking." Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't that what all Christians believe? I understand that their are specific guidelines for communion in the Catholic church, but it just seems so contrary to not allow someone to participate.

The second question arises from something I happened to hear on the radio about it being Ash Wednesday, what people were giving up for Lent, etc. Someone on the morning show mentioned that they were giving up something for Lent, and the Catholic on the show said (something to the extent of) "Hey, you can't do that, you're not even Catholic!" And she said that it was something she was just trying to participate. Again, why would it be unacceptable for a non-catholic to partake in sacrificing something and participating in Lent if they are following the same beliefs and rituals that they are? Maybe it is not something mandated by a Christian church, but if someone gives something up, to represent the sacrifice that Christ made, and every time that they were tempted to partake in whatever they gave up, they stopped and prayed to the Lord, I don't see the harm.

So, I guess my overall perception of these recent events was that I was being excluded from traditionally Christian things... My overall question is why would you not want people to partake in rituals and practices that are so important to your religion? What harm could that inflict by allowing people to participate? Maybe using these things to show other people what you believe would be a good way to minister to others?

These are just some questions that have been bothering me lately. Hopefully expressing some of these concerns will help shed a little light on the situation for me!

When are you going to have babies?

Kellen and I have been married for a whopping seven months, and we cannot seem to escape the kid conversation. What is it about people that compels them to interject themselves into our business of child rearing?

I knew it would happen, but I also assumed our very young age would deter some people from going there.... nope! I guess I am just tired of having to repeat our list of reasons for not having children. I constantly must tell people "Oh, we are only 21 & 22... Kellen is still in school getting his masters, we don't have a house yet, we want to travel...." I am worried that response is about to involve explicatives, like "We are going to have kids when we BLEEPING want to!" or maybe "we will have kids when our birth control fails!"

I recently found an interesting little note, I had made a list of things I wanted to do before I had children! I made it my senior year of highschool (no telling what prompted it then)

• Be married (check)
• Go to Greece
• Have a house!
• Be out of school (check)
• Go on a cruise (check)
• Be at least 25
• Be ready and WANT children!!!

This was even before the economy was so bad that people are losing their houses! Babies are not cheap!

I really just want people in general to butt out. Kellen and I will let you know when there will be a little one running around. Until then, you will continue to get a Christmas card with me, Kellen, and Chewie on there. Maybe a plant next year, who knows?

So, please, people, leave us alone about making babies! Let us enjoy the quiet nights filled with sleep, the money we save by not spending it on diapers, the flat stomach without stretchmarks, and dinners without a highchair. Let us enjoy this time while we still have it... we have all the time in the world to have kids, and limited time to be alone!

24 hour trip to Temple

SO... Last weekend marks my second successful trip to Temple in a long while! I had such a fun, and limited trip, that made it easy for us all to get along!

I had a harsh realization that my sweet, cuddly bear brother, turned SEVEN. For those of you who don't know, seven is apparently the year where it is no longer cool for a boy to be excited that his sister is back in town. Seven is the year that Wii games trump kite flying, ice cream, and movies. DUH. He would rather play Shawn White Snowboarding than play with me :( My interaction literally went like this: I met the whole family at Cricket's in Waco, a nice bar where my Popo had bought everyone a round of beer, and the kids were playing videogames and pool... a really nice place. So I go up to Ty first, obviously, MY BABY! I go up to him, give him a HUGE HUG! Kiss him, the works... and he is excited for, oh, about a second and a half, before he realizes that I am impacting his score on the golf game he has weaseled a quarter out of someone for. (by the way, he hates that I have no money on me, ever!) So, he immediately asks me "what did you get me for my birthday?" (little brat) and I told him that I was going to give him money... You would have thought I killed his dog... he was heartbroken. He did NOT want money, he wanted a Nintendo DS, or a Something Something Something Transformer!!! I explained to him that he had so many toys he didn't even know what was new or old, so I was going to give him "lots of money to put in his savings account so that when he was Hailey's age, he could buy a car too." (by the way, he wants a monster truck, cute!) He was still not having it, how could I do this to him?! My presence was trumped by our cousins' being there because, "Ugh, Lauren... they play games with meeee!!" Devastating!

One of my favorite parts of this weekend was spending time with my wonderful sister!! She has recently gone on her first date with a really nice guy, who we all met this weekend! BRAVE! I really like him and I am so happy for Hailey that she is having fun being sixteen! She is at a really great point in her life, the prospect of her own car, the freedom that comes along with it, the allure of a new boyfriend, and the tantalizing details of all that comes with a new boyfriend at sixteen!! I can still remember that time in my life and it was so exhilirating! I am just so proud of the person my sister has become, and the person she always has been! My sister is truly one of a kind... she has patience beyond her years, a generous heart, a beautiful nature, and I know that she is going to be my best friend for life! I am SO lucky to have a sister like her, the unconditional love that comes with the alliance we have had for so many years! (by the way, she is five years younger than me and still looks like she is older... it's not fair!) I really enjoy all the time I have with her!

I always have a good time with good ol' dad! He is probably one of the most constant things in my life... his nature, spirits, attitude, are all things I can count on! I love seeing him always, but this time was better because mom and I were getting along too! One of the things that I noticed about my mom on this trip was that she was behaving in a way that was unselfish, for most of the time I was there. She specifically did things she may not have wanted to do, but she did them anyways to benefit other people, me included! My nannie wanted her to go shopping... she didn't spend any money, but she went anyways. My sister wanted to drive us around in her prospective new car (which is a big deal because my mom does not leave her comfort zone) and she allowed it, AND she let my sister show off this car to one of her friends on the way to where we were going! (trust me, I know a battle won when I see one!) She also deliberately allowed time for me to see my dad's office... this was a really big deal to me. She was very pleasant, and was even making an effort to have a good time with me!

Overall, this weekend was a success... my grandparents celebrated their forty fifth wedding anniversary, my brother turned seven, my sister has a new boyfriend and first real date, my parents were pleasant... who could ask for anything more?

Cell Phone Etiquette 101

To those of you who use cell phones (EVERYBODY), Listen up!

There are some basic etiquette rules that are being blatantly ignored, and if the trend continues, I will cease communication with the offenders!

Rule #1- Ringbacks:
To those of you who think your favorite song will amuse everyone who calls you, you are wrong. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you changed it every now and then... but when the same horrendous tune plays every time I call you, it makes me want to slowly murder you once I get you on the phone! Especially when it is a tune you recorded yourself, and the static is so loud I can't even understand the lyrics!

Rule #2- Voicemails:
This voicemail inclination really baffles me. Has anyone else noticed the progression of the alerts on your phone? First, you see you have "1 Voicemail." 'Grrrrreat,' I think to myself. Then you hear, "HAAAAY, Lauren! It's MOM!!! Call me back, BYE!" So, then, I end my call to the voicemail, and have you ever noticed, that right there, it tells you "1 Missed Call- Mom"? (the EXACT same information). Funny... had there been no voicemail, I still would have known that mom called, and that I needed to call her back.

What's worse than that, is when people leave BAD NEWS on your voicemail! Like, could you be more heartless!? Why would you do that? Couldn't it have waited until I called you back, so I wouldn't be in agony while I tried (in vain) to call you back?!?! "Lauren, Call me back immediately! There has been an accident, it doesn't look good!" Or when my mom leaves bad news, in a cheerful tone: "Hey Lauren, I just got a 1099 form in the mail for you!! (melodiously) It looks like you will have to file an amendment on your taxes! Call me back!"

Rule #3- The 'Reject' Button
This one really gets my blood boiling. It is just RUDE! There is absolutely NO reason that someone should use the 'Reject' button on their cell phone! If you don't want to answer, just hit the silent button on the side. Do NOT (unless you hate them) hit the freaking 'Reject' button! ESPECIALLY if you just called them and left them a message to call you back!

These are the main ones I feel that are continually violated. It is really disheartening to continue to communicate with these offenders!

My "Mom" Closet

So, most of you who read this undoubtedly know that I went to counseling last year to confront some personal issues I have had with my mother. While I only went a few times, I feel like I coped with a lot.

I stopped going to my counselor because I felt like she was astounded by the stories I told her... not a reassuring sign. She also tried to explore issues she thought were underlying about my dad. WRONG MOVE. I should have told her I was a daddy's girl first, but once she went down that road, and kept at it, I was out of there! First of all, if I DO have issues with my dad that I am currently unaware of, I want to continue to be unaware of them. Second of all, lets focus on why I am here, lady... the mom thing!

I just deleted several paragraphs of details, because I don't think there can be any semblance of organization of thoughts, or enough information storage allowed on this blog, to go into depth some of the experiences I have had with my mother. Let me summarize by explaining the metaphor that has helped salvage my sanity.

While discussing some things in counseling, I expressed how tired I was of being angry... How much I wanted to let go of so many issues. My problem was that every time I think they are gone, I go back to Temple, and the same person is still there, and the same issues come back up!

I told her that I wanted to do some spring cleaning in my "mom" closet. I needed to throw out some things that I have been storing in there for so long! I need to let go of so much! I have some dusty, but deep boxes in there, that just need to be tossed already. I really had to work on completely changing what I expected from my mom. All this time I had a very clear, distinct idea of what I needed/wanted from a mother. From my mother. Finally, I had to tell myself, "Why are you focusing on what you didn't have? You are 21 years old, and we can't go back and do it over again... what is it that you need from her now?"

It is true... I am done with the dances, there are no more chances for shopping trips for that "perfect dress." There are no more highschool events that she may go to in the future. She has already missed out on all that. SHE missed out. SHE missed out on a great time in my life. I missed a mother, but SHE missed ME. I really should feel bad that she didn't let herself have those experiences, right?

Well, the bittersweet part is that she gets a "re-do." She has a second daughter. I have no second mom. While you should know, that I LOVE my sister, and I think she is a SAINT, she got the mom I wanted. She got the "interested in your day" mom, the "want to be at your games" mom, the "lets do something together" mom. That is a mom I never had.

That is one of those boxes that still sits in my "mom" closet. While I did get rid of the box that held my insecurities about having children of my own (because what if I repeated the behaviors?), I also finally got rid of the box that held my anger about the way Ty's childhood was handled. Those things I can honestly say I am over. I love my brother, and I can't change those things now... and I know, at this point, that there is NO way I can repeat the behaviors that I so despised. I will probably end up overcompensating the other way, actually. So I was able to compile, instead of the mother I didn't want to be, more of a list of what kind of a mother I did want to be. It was very therapeutic.

I am still working on healing the wounds from my wedding.. those might take a while... But I was able to sit down and think about what it is I really needed from my mom. Now, I know that I don't really need a whole lot from her: an ear to listen when Kellen and I argue... a check-in call to make sure we are both alive and quick update on the family... distance... hee hee.

I am at a point in my life where I don't need my mom for much.. so if I don't expect a whole lot, I get disappointed less. This has really worked for me the last few months, and I am even going to tag along on a work trip with her in March. We are going to California. Do I think this will make us closer... who the hell knows? But the key is that I don't expect it to. If it does, it does. If not, no biggie either... at least there will be good scenery and lots of wine!

I learned that having a "good" relationship doesn't always mean having a "close" relationship. Now, I am not even sure that I want a close one, just a civil one. We will most likely fundamentally disagree throughout the majority of our lives, but with an expectation of nothing less, at least we will be able to swap gifts at Christmas!

So that is where I am now... still actively cleaning out my "mom" closet, and trust me it is a lot bigger than the one we have at our matchbox apartment! It will take a while, but with time, and a HUGE dumpster... one day I will sort it all out!

Newlyweds

Will someone please find the person who implanted the idea in my mind that newlyweds were inherently happy? Will someone please find that poor bastard and shoot them for me?

Dating Kellen was AWESOME! We rarely argued, we were sweet to each other, we did our own laundry, and had our own space... "Let's get married!" we thought innocently! Now, here we are...

Before I continue, let me give you a little background about Kellen... He is a handsome, sweet guy, that has yet to figure out all of my intricacies. He has a laid back personality, coupled with the work ethic of an ox... one I have never seen duplicated! He is so dedicated to his education, and his job... almost to a fault! While he doesn't know the word romantic exists... he does try.... and I guess that is all I can ask for!

While there are things he does that make me looney, I wouldn't honestly change a thing about him. This blog is more to explore a thought I have about marriage.

Why is it, that once the license is filed, names are changed, and the "oh honey" phase wears off, all of a sudden, we no longer try to please the other one? I think now the whole idea is, "Well, she isn't going to dump me for leaving the toilet seat up," or "He will still love me if I don't do the dishes." Is it the living together part? I think it has a lot to do with it! While I have heard arguments for both living together before marriage, and for not; I have decided that it is a really good thing we did NOT live together beforehand! We may never have gotten married!

I tease him about this by saying "Babe, when we were dating, you'd say you would move mountains for me... now, I can't even get you to fold socks.... sounds like a damn country music song!" The thing is, I totally understand the feeling. There is something reassuring, and almost lazy about being married. You know he isn't going anywhere, so why try? Some days, I don't even get around to putting a bra on... (not that he would complain about that even if we weren't married!)

How do these happily married people get around these things? Is there a point that you reach where the way you behave is just so acceptable that it is no longer important to gripe about? I guess once our roles are defined more clearly (who gets up with the dog, who is responsible for making the bed, etc.) then it won't be such an issue. I just feel like I have been frustrated with our struggle to define the roles within our marriage... and I know he must be too. It is only through trial and error, blow ups and I'm sorry's, that we will find our groove. It also doesn't help that we live in a match box and can hear each other breathe! Someone told me today, that all she learned after 10 years... is that you lower your expectations! I think she was mostly right, but instead of saying "lower," I would just say "change."

The overall good news, I suppose, is that we are both willing to keep at it. We keep our friends/family on speed dial to vent every now and then (me probably more than him :) ) All I know is that I have a good man, and simple minded as he can be sometimes, I knew every aspect of who he was before I said "I do." Sometimes I just have to remind myself: "I STILL do!"

"Frenemies"

I want to explore the phenomenon I have recently discovered about women and "fake friends." This is something that I have NEVER encountered, at least not personally, until the last year. Usually, my relationships with people are cut and dry: either I like you and you know it, or I don't like you... and you know it. I have never been unclear with my intentions.

This year, a particular "relationship" has thrown me for a loop. I have/had a "friend" that was overly friendly to my face, expressed a great deal of interest in my life, inverted herself in activities, and self-proclaimed how awesome of a friend she was. That should have been my first sign-- the proclamation of greatness.

The problem is/was, I knew about several betrayals, flat out lies, blatant disrespect, and still (FOR SOME REASON) tried to like her despite all of these treasons. I have asked myself over and over why I felt the need to pursue a friendship... what was it that kept me involved with this girl (and I use that word deliberately.) I finally resolved that, no, it wasn't me trying to be the better person, it was that I was interested in being a friend to the girl that she initially led me to believe she was. I think that her personality (or the one she portrayed at first) was SO intense... in a good way, that I still wanted to be around that energy. It was positive, funny, loyal, trustworthy almost. I think that was who I was wanting to be friends with still... well, she no longer resided in the same girl's body.

Once I realized, like really realized, that she was not the person I initially thought, I was overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions. I was honestly sad that I had lost a "friend" that I invested so much time in, mad that whatever point in her life she was going through, she was changing so dramatically as a person.

Here is the most disturbing part to me... while I cannot picture a clean break from this person, as we work together still, I am now the one who is being two-faced. I am now the one that maintains a facade of friendliness, while openly expressing my dismay to others. I know- that is where I am wrong, by talking about my disappointment in her to others... It is just that so many people share a common opinion, that I almost feel comforted by the fact that at least it wasn't just me who felt this way. I am not justifying what I am doing, mostly just thinking out loud.

More than this, I know that she is aware of my false behaviors, and also maintains this completely fraudulent friendship. I have even begun to describe our relationship to others as "We are really good fake friends." When people ask what that means, I tell them, "You know, we both smile and play nice, but given the chance, both of us would throw the other under the bus." That pretty much clears it up for everyone.

Now, the only question is, how to go forward? Even today, I found myself dodging her presence, because I know she was there under false pretenses. I don't like liars, and yet I have become one. For a while, I only maintained communication to hear of things going wrong in this girl's life. While that is not something I am proud of, now I just want to get out... to get out from the communication between us, to somehow get out of the contact... to get away from the possibility to get thrown under the bus!

I am no longer comfortable being "fake friends!" I only want real ones, and those are hard enough to find without wasting time with the BS involved with crazy fake friends!

Apprehensively Beginning...

As techonology progresses, and everything becomes paperless, I suppose it would only make sense that I throw out that journal I try to maintain for my sanity, and attempt to express my feelings and thoughts without any writer's cramps.

As I begin to sort through thoughts I feel worth sharing, I begin to amuse myself with this thought: "While my content may not be sensational, my blog will most definitely have the best grammar and punctuation!"

I am starting this blog at a very pivotal point in my life... I just graduated UNT with a bachelor's degree in finance, I am recently married, a struggling to develop my career as a young professional, and I can truly say that I learned an immense deal over this last year. (I caught myself saying "learned more last year than I have ever learned in my whole life," but that "in my whole life" clause is a pet peeve. First of all, it doesn't mean much if your life span is 21 years old. Second of all, it really calls into question how serious you are about the information you are conveying that way because how can you accurately measure that against your whole life? Stick to the facts here, c'mon)

But I digress... 2008 taught me a lot. I learned the majority of my finance background this last year. I can now calculate how much liquidity and risk a company has on its balance sheet (or is hiding in its footnotes) backwards and forwards, literally. I learned not to go out to celebrate a semester long project with my classmates at Fry Street... that was a big pill to swallow (a large dose of embarrassment!) I learned about how hard it is to live with a man... I love him, but Kellen just doesn't get a lot of my "quirks" the way Rebekah did! Plus, he doesn't dance around the apartment with me either! (I miss my roomie!) I could go on, but that is a whole different blog! I also learned about how naive I was... more about had to accept how naive I was. I learned how much BS goes on in the real world professionally, and I am still adjusting to how to make it a non-issue. I will elaborate later.

This year I went to a counselor a few times... she wasn't really jiving with my emotional needs, so I stopped going. When the counselor doesn't believe half the stuff you are saying, that is when you know you have to get out of there! The whole point is not to amaze her at the crazy stories you have, right? I can amaze normal people all day long... I want my counselor to have some experience with my issues. I did make some progress, most of which I attribute mostly to my own introspective contributions. I could get into detail, but I will save that for its own blog some other time... actually, this one may be a series. :)

I guess this last year was mostly about learning about myself... cultivating my personality, discovering different parts about myself, some good, some bad. Now, having time to look back and think... about what I loved, what I hated, why I hated, what to do about it, and so on. I love to look back and discover things about myself (sounds narcissistic, but I think more people should do a little self realization) so that I can grow as a person, and develop into the woman I want to become. I have accomplished some great things ("great to me" things) and I have a lot more that I want to accomplish in the future!