Cards a little closer to the vest...

In the past, I have talked about my need to internalize, and keep a few things to myself... recently I have realized that maybe the reason I had so much trouble with that is because I loved who I was, what I stood for, what I thought, where I was going, etc., and I wanted to share that with everyone I knew...
Recently, I have been struggling with some thoughts that make it more difficult to keep my book "open." I have been questioning a lot of decisions that I have made in my life, as I am sure that most people have at some point. Questions like "am I happy?" "do I know how to be happy?" "do I know what will make me happy?" "am I doing the right thing?" I could go on forever... While I am assured that all of these are normal questions to ask, they have made me freak out in a way that I was previously unfamiliar. It leaves me highly uncomfortable, unwilling to share, and leaves me looking for something...
This phase, stage, age, whatever... is making me go off the deep end! I am still waiting for myself to come back and be like "Lauren, stop being stupid. You have always known what you wanted, that is why you are where you are today. No one has ever been able to talk you out of anything you wanted to do, and you never asked permission. get over yourself woman!" While she is slowly coming back... its hard to be without her. My frustrations with my marriage, my job, my friendships, leave me completely un-confident (if that's a word) right now. It's difficult to talk to anyone about, because then I have to admit feelings of inadequacy, and self doubt, and that is just not what I am all about. More than these feelings, I have to also address this persona I portray of who I am and what I represent... not just myself, but with my relationship. In a few weeks, Kellen and I will have been together for SIX YEARS. Kellen and Lauren. Lauren and Kellen. Consistent. Practical. Responsible. Driven. Accomplished.
Six years with one person, and we have both evolved ten-fold. Most of that has to do with the time period in our lives that we have been together... who doesn't change ten-fold from 16 to 22/23? We expected it, just not in the way that it happened.
Kellen and I are going through this difficult time of rediscovery. The things that we both loved about each other are now changing and it presents the most difficult challenge we have ever gone through... for me anways.
In this way, I always feel like the hell-raiser. Kellen says I have a tendency to awfulize things in my life.. which may be true. When I lived at home, if I didnt start an argument about something, then everything was okay (so my dad says, he likes the peace and quiet.) It is very similar with Kellen in this way, because as long as I smile and go through the motions, his needs are met and everything is fine. (just shut up, Lauren.) But the needs of a simple man are not difficult to satisfy... the needs of a crazy woman on the other hand... need a little attention!
Because of these thoughts and self-doubts, I now understand how someone can keep the cards a little closer to the vest. I am trying to make it through these feelings and remain intact. I am withdrawing from the bitch sessions we all have at work about our unsuspecting husbands... I am trying to concentrate on deciding to be happy, embracing what I have, and making it work for me. I need to stop looking for other things to fullfill me and work on making the things I have satisfy me. Sounds easy enough, right?