My "Mom" Closet

So, most of you who read this undoubtedly know that I went to counseling last year to confront some personal issues I have had with my mother. While I only went a few times, I feel like I coped with a lot.

I stopped going to my counselor because I felt like she was astounded by the stories I told her... not a reassuring sign. She also tried to explore issues she thought were underlying about my dad. WRONG MOVE. I should have told her I was a daddy's girl first, but once she went down that road, and kept at it, I was out of there! First of all, if I DO have issues with my dad that I am currently unaware of, I want to continue to be unaware of them. Second of all, lets focus on why I am here, lady... the mom thing!

I just deleted several paragraphs of details, because I don't think there can be any semblance of organization of thoughts, or enough information storage allowed on this blog, to go into depth some of the experiences I have had with my mother. Let me summarize by explaining the metaphor that has helped salvage my sanity.

While discussing some things in counseling, I expressed how tired I was of being angry... How much I wanted to let go of so many issues. My problem was that every time I think they are gone, I go back to Temple, and the same person is still there, and the same issues come back up!

I told her that I wanted to do some spring cleaning in my "mom" closet. I needed to throw out some things that I have been storing in there for so long! I need to let go of so much! I have some dusty, but deep boxes in there, that just need to be tossed already. I really had to work on completely changing what I expected from my mom. All this time I had a very clear, distinct idea of what I needed/wanted from a mother. From my mother. Finally, I had to tell myself, "Why are you focusing on what you didn't have? You are 21 years old, and we can't go back and do it over again... what is it that you need from her now?"

It is true... I am done with the dances, there are no more chances for shopping trips for that "perfect dress." There are no more highschool events that she may go to in the future. She has already missed out on all that. SHE missed out. SHE missed out on a great time in my life. I missed a mother, but SHE missed ME. I really should feel bad that she didn't let herself have those experiences, right?

Well, the bittersweet part is that she gets a "re-do." She has a second daughter. I have no second mom. While you should know, that I LOVE my sister, and I think she is a SAINT, she got the mom I wanted. She got the "interested in your day" mom, the "want to be at your games" mom, the "lets do something together" mom. That is a mom I never had.

That is one of those boxes that still sits in my "mom" closet. While I did get rid of the box that held my insecurities about having children of my own (because what if I repeated the behaviors?), I also finally got rid of the box that held my anger about the way Ty's childhood was handled. Those things I can honestly say I am over. I love my brother, and I can't change those things now... and I know, at this point, that there is NO way I can repeat the behaviors that I so despised. I will probably end up overcompensating the other way, actually. So I was able to compile, instead of the mother I didn't want to be, more of a list of what kind of a mother I did want to be. It was very therapeutic.

I am still working on healing the wounds from my wedding.. those might take a while... But I was able to sit down and think about what it is I really needed from my mom. Now, I know that I don't really need a whole lot from her: an ear to listen when Kellen and I argue... a check-in call to make sure we are both alive and quick update on the family... distance... hee hee.

I am at a point in my life where I don't need my mom for much.. so if I don't expect a whole lot, I get disappointed less. This has really worked for me the last few months, and I am even going to tag along on a work trip with her in March. We are going to California. Do I think this will make us closer... who the hell knows? But the key is that I don't expect it to. If it does, it does. If not, no biggie either... at least there will be good scenery and lots of wine!

I learned that having a "good" relationship doesn't always mean having a "close" relationship. Now, I am not even sure that I want a close one, just a civil one. We will most likely fundamentally disagree throughout the majority of our lives, but with an expectation of nothing less, at least we will be able to swap gifts at Christmas!

So that is where I am now... still actively cleaning out my "mom" closet, and trust me it is a lot bigger than the one we have at our matchbox apartment! It will take a while, but with time, and a HUGE dumpster... one day I will sort it all out!