"Frenemies"

I want to explore the phenomenon I have recently discovered about women and "fake friends." This is something that I have NEVER encountered, at least not personally, until the last year. Usually, my relationships with people are cut and dry: either I like you and you know it, or I don't like you... and you know it. I have never been unclear with my intentions.

This year, a particular "relationship" has thrown me for a loop. I have/had a "friend" that was overly friendly to my face, expressed a great deal of interest in my life, inverted herself in activities, and self-proclaimed how awesome of a friend she was. That should have been my first sign-- the proclamation of greatness.

The problem is/was, I knew about several betrayals, flat out lies, blatant disrespect, and still (FOR SOME REASON) tried to like her despite all of these treasons. I have asked myself over and over why I felt the need to pursue a friendship... what was it that kept me involved with this girl (and I use that word deliberately.) I finally resolved that, no, it wasn't me trying to be the better person, it was that I was interested in being a friend to the girl that she initially led me to believe she was. I think that her personality (or the one she portrayed at first) was SO intense... in a good way, that I still wanted to be around that energy. It was positive, funny, loyal, trustworthy almost. I think that was who I was wanting to be friends with still... well, she no longer resided in the same girl's body.

Once I realized, like really realized, that she was not the person I initially thought, I was overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions. I was honestly sad that I had lost a "friend" that I invested so much time in, mad that whatever point in her life she was going through, she was changing so dramatically as a person.

Here is the most disturbing part to me... while I cannot picture a clean break from this person, as we work together still, I am now the one who is being two-faced. I am now the one that maintains a facade of friendliness, while openly expressing my dismay to others. I know- that is where I am wrong, by talking about my disappointment in her to others... It is just that so many people share a common opinion, that I almost feel comforted by the fact that at least it wasn't just me who felt this way. I am not justifying what I am doing, mostly just thinking out loud.

More than this, I know that she is aware of my false behaviors, and also maintains this completely fraudulent friendship. I have even begun to describe our relationship to others as "We are really good fake friends." When people ask what that means, I tell them, "You know, we both smile and play nice, but given the chance, both of us would throw the other under the bus." That pretty much clears it up for everyone.

Now, the only question is, how to go forward? Even today, I found myself dodging her presence, because I know she was there under false pretenses. I don't like liars, and yet I have become one. For a while, I only maintained communication to hear of things going wrong in this girl's life. While that is not something I am proud of, now I just want to get out... to get out from the communication between us, to somehow get out of the contact... to get away from the possibility to get thrown under the bus!

I am no longer comfortable being "fake friends!" I only want real ones, and those are hard enough to find without wasting time with the BS involved with crazy fake friends!

Apprehensively Beginning...

As techonology progresses, and everything becomes paperless, I suppose it would only make sense that I throw out that journal I try to maintain for my sanity, and attempt to express my feelings and thoughts without any writer's cramps.

As I begin to sort through thoughts I feel worth sharing, I begin to amuse myself with this thought: "While my content may not be sensational, my blog will most definitely have the best grammar and punctuation!"

I am starting this blog at a very pivotal point in my life... I just graduated UNT with a bachelor's degree in finance, I am recently married, a struggling to develop my career as a young professional, and I can truly say that I learned an immense deal over this last year. (I caught myself saying "learned more last year than I have ever learned in my whole life," but that "in my whole life" clause is a pet peeve. First of all, it doesn't mean much if your life span is 21 years old. Second of all, it really calls into question how serious you are about the information you are conveying that way because how can you accurately measure that against your whole life? Stick to the facts here, c'mon)

But I digress... 2008 taught me a lot. I learned the majority of my finance background this last year. I can now calculate how much liquidity and risk a company has on its balance sheet (or is hiding in its footnotes) backwards and forwards, literally. I learned not to go out to celebrate a semester long project with my classmates at Fry Street... that was a big pill to swallow (a large dose of embarrassment!) I learned about how hard it is to live with a man... I love him, but Kellen just doesn't get a lot of my "quirks" the way Rebekah did! Plus, he doesn't dance around the apartment with me either! (I miss my roomie!) I could go on, but that is a whole different blog! I also learned about how naive I was... more about had to accept how naive I was. I learned how much BS goes on in the real world professionally, and I am still adjusting to how to make it a non-issue. I will elaborate later.

This year I went to a counselor a few times... she wasn't really jiving with my emotional needs, so I stopped going. When the counselor doesn't believe half the stuff you are saying, that is when you know you have to get out of there! The whole point is not to amaze her at the crazy stories you have, right? I can amaze normal people all day long... I want my counselor to have some experience with my issues. I did make some progress, most of which I attribute mostly to my own introspective contributions. I could get into detail, but I will save that for its own blog some other time... actually, this one may be a series. :)

I guess this last year was mostly about learning about myself... cultivating my personality, discovering different parts about myself, some good, some bad. Now, having time to look back and think... about what I loved, what I hated, why I hated, what to do about it, and so on. I love to look back and discover things about myself (sounds narcissistic, but I think more people should do a little self realization) so that I can grow as a person, and develop into the woman I want to become. I have accomplished some great things ("great to me" things) and I have a lot more that I want to accomplish in the future!