New Year's Resolutions

I swore to myself that I wouldn't have any this year, but I can't help it... I have a few still:

1. I want to continue working out and further my fitness with P90x... I need a re-commitment to the program after Vegas and the holidays!
2. I want to be better at my job... the rookie period is over and I really want to work on building relationships,going the extra mile, and making sure I am on top of my game!
3. I need to get back to church. This is a huge goal for me because it is really important that we find a relationship with God.

Actually, I think these are the main ones that I want to work on, which they pretty much cover body, mind, and soul. This should be a good focus for me and I can't wait for a better 2011!

Grinchy Christmas Eve

Yesterday I was really foul... tired and cranky from traveling, and I officially became my mom when I didnt get the present I wanted... not my proudest moment. The thing is, I just really couldnt help it! I felt like such a B, which I was being, and I feel really bad about it.

I am feeling better today, thank goodness. amazing what a little sleep will do! which speaking of sleep, last night I dreamt that Nannie and Popo were getting remarried in a hotel in Vegas, and they had a "special high rollers" suite, where no one could get in normally... and Nannie and Popo kept trying to ditch us so we couldnt see their secret pimp suite, but I was able to follow them behind a secret door in the wall of the hotel store because an earring propped the door open.. so I followed them and discovered a pimp suite of my own! I fell asleep there with baby Camryn until right when the wedding started to happen! Everyone was rushing around like crazy, and helping Nannie get ready to walk down the aisle again... it was really weird. BUT, to compound the strangeness, earlier in the dream i had gone to the doctor where they told me I was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl... so we went to do the ultrasound, and that is when we found out that there was actually only one baby, one that was malformed, and the doctor told me that this baby wasnt going to make it and to come back on Friday so it could be taken care of... the whole dream I was going through all the emotions of finding out I was pregnant, then having it all taken away! It was horrible!

Recently

Since I always seem to blog when I am down in the dumps, this should be a good change of pace. I am finally in a really good place all the way around. I love my job, I love my life, I love my husband, and I love myself. While there are always things that could be better, I dare say I am happy!

I love this time of year, the weather is beautiful, I hate Halloween, but the rest of the season is perfectly festive. I have started Christmas shopping which makes me feel so good! Kellen and I have been working hard to pay off our credit card and we are making beautiful progress... we just booked our trip to Vegas to celebrate his graduation, so things couldn't be better!

I am really focusing on the positive things in my life, and positive activities so that I stay in a happy place. I have to say that I would have never pegged myself as someone that needed to worry about my mental health, but after last year I just want to make sure that I don't get there again.

I want to get back into my blogging again, and back into my hobbies, and reading, and working out... and, and, and!

I have this list in my head of all of the things that I want to do when Kellen graduates. I keep saying "when you get done with school..." We are going to go to concerts, we are going to go to baseball games, we are going to run 5k's on the weekend, and take a dancing class... blah blah blah!

I just can't wait for the future and the freedom that is going to come with it!!

Introspection

It has been quite a while since I sat down and reflected... I take that back... since I wrote about my thoughts about myself. (How narcissistic do I sound?) The thing is that I was more at peace with myself when I did spend a lot more time looking in the mirror, and working on changing the things I didnt like. (Figuratively and literally.)

I have a lot of things that I need to work on, physically, spiritually, mentally. I have pretty much established at this point that I am a mess... but I wasnt always, and I still remember that not TOO long ago, there was a healthy, happy Lauren who had her self together! Now, if I could just find that girl again! :)

Kellen and I have started going back to Church, and it is something that I really enjoy. Working on my (& Kellen's) spiritual life has been very rewarding. It has also helped our relationship a lot, and we have turned it into a date time, where we can reflect on the message we heard at Church and discuss our thoughts, feelings, etc.

I have had a TON of humbling experiences this year, so I have become increasingly aware of all of my "areas of opportunity." Sometimes I have looked inside and I just hate what I see. I want to turn that around so I can be a better person, a better wife, daughter, sister, friend. Hopefully, I will get there sooner than later. I have always been, and continue to be, a work in progress!

Well, until next time!

New Beginnings

Well, I attempted to start a new personal blog and leave all the craziness of this Lauren behind... almost just forget she ever existed... but it was hard since this was one linked to my email :)
I would still like to disassociate myself currently with the crazy girl impersonating me last year. This year has provided a lot of opportunities to start fresh and learn from my mistakes, and to move on. I am finally out of the management position that made me want to seriously shoot someone, and now I am in a position with work where I am responsible for my own performance, and I am learning to adjust to that... I am traveling more which I like, but I really miss Kellen and Chewie while Im gone... but it is SOO nice when I finally get to come home!
We just spent the weekend with my family and we had a pretty good time. They are right when they say that you never can go home again. Things are always changing and it feels different everytime we go back there. Ty is getting so big (and he is so bad!) Hailey is getting older and it is so hard to accept that she is about to legally be an adult (makes you think they ought to change the legal age) and mom and dad are the same... always bickering, so at least you can count on that!
I am headed to Austin tomorrow, which is making me sad because I just got back from Arizona on Thursday night, so in the span of 12 days, I have slept in my own bed TWICE! I already cant wait to get back home on Friday!
I have started to ready more religiously, especially while I am traveling, and I really enjoy getting lost in that world... I am also throwing myself back into my knitting and doing more productive activities... know if I could just make my hobbies help me burn calories....

March Madness

March Madness isnt just about basketball, ya'll! :)

I have recently picked up a new hobby, or hobby-to-be, which is quilting! Kellen's sister Bailey really got my wheels turning on it, so I am giving it a whirl! I am really enjoying it so far, and I hope I get to be really good at it!!

I finished the baby blanket that I made for Chad and Heather today... it only took about two months and several skeins of yarn because i made it WAY too big, but I think it will still be functional and I am going to give it to them anyways... I think they will still like it!

I am going to start some new knitting projects soon too... one of the things that I am learning through counseling is that I really need to focus on my life outside of work, and not just at work. She said that when we dont have a life at home, we tend to create an artificial life at work, which makes sense, and that if I get that way, I probably need to focus more on my home life. DUH, right? Why didnt I think of that before?

I have also recently started looking for ANYTHING else, in terms of work! I have applied for a couple of internal positions, but my time as a service manager is coming to an end... for several reasons. I need an opportunity to take the lessons that I learned in that branch, and make a fresh start somewhere else. I need to separate my personal and professional life on so many levels that its not even funny. I have had a lot of interest generated by my applications to different companies, but I am basically just waiting for the right opportunity and the right paycheck! :) Its just basically waiting to see who can afford me!

Things are going well with my Nannie and Popo, which means my prayers are being answered!! I talked to Nannie the other day to see if she could offer any help with learning how to quilt... she said SHE hadnt even learned how to yet!! Funny, because thats what she said she wanted to do when she retired!! :) She is silly!

I am starting to have more and more internal peace, and feel like I am back to normal in terms of my attitude, priorities, long term goals... I felt like I had lost all of that for a while, so it is really nice to feel like the old Lauren again (whoever that was!) I had always felt like I had a really good understanding of who I was, but for a while there, I lost her.... I wasnt sure who was standing in her place, but that girl was not in a good place at all... It took a long time for her to go away, but I feel like she is gone, and I am back! Is that a normal feeling? I hope not, because it was not a fun experience for me!! But I am in a much better place personally, and in my marriage now, and I thank God everyday! It feels good to be able to breathe again!

well, that is all for now... L-Boogie Out!

New Quirk

Let me just address a new quirk that I did not know I had before it came up. In Kellen's chest of drawers, there was a broken drawer, and everytime I would put his clothes up, I would "fix it" as much as I could (which meant pop the bottom back in place since these are just walmart drawers.) So, I decided that Kellen and I should switch dressers so that I can be gentler on the drawer than he is. BUT, I could not leave the drawer broken. I begged Kellen to do whatever he could to fix it because I just couldnt go on with the drawer staying broken. I thought, well, I really dont NEED that drawer, maybe I will just not use it... but it killed me to know that the drawer would still be broken. I think all of this stems from the fact that my parents had drawers that they would leave broken, that are still, to this day, broken! And they still use them!! That is why I absolutely could NOT allow that to happen to me! Kellen was nice enough to fix it permanently and save me from my despair.

Sundays

Sundays are my ABSOLUTE favorite day of the week! And here is why:

Sundays mean sleeping in... (although I know that they should mean 9:00 church... working on it Mom!)

Sundays start with the American Country Countdown with Kix Brooks, reminding me of home and doing chores listening to country music. I like to read the paper in bed with the music on in the background, drinking a cup of coffee. AHH relaxation at its finest! Its even better if it is sunny outside and I open the blinds in my bedroom letting the sun shine in! Most of the time Chewie snuggles with me during this half hour or so, and it is literally my heaven :).

Sundays mean that the house is clean, the chores are done, and I get to relax and do things that I enjoy! In the winter this means watching my recorded shows on the couch while I knit and play with Chewie. Sometimes Kellen is off and I can persuade him to run to the grocery store with me :). In the summer, Sundays mean suntea, grilling in the backyard (the lawn is already mowed) and I am sitting in the backyard looking at all of the blooming flowers, drinking a beer and watching the birds eat at the birdfeeders.

Sundays mean that the laundry is put up, I can do extra organizing, get ready for the week ahead, have a glass of wine, and take a long hot bath. This is when I paint my toenails, iron (if needed, maybe once a month) read my books, and make sure that my environment is completely utopic.

Sundays are the only day of the week that I KNOW I am not going to have to work... (even though I still get texts about work, and occasionally see people that I work with). On Sundays, I like to call and chat with my mom... we have gotten much closer over this last year. I think I have really started to gain a little bit of her perspective now that I am married, and she tells me stories about her life. I cant even imagine what my life would be like if I had a three year old right now. Especially while I was working on my degree and dealing with the dynamics of a new marriage. If Kellen and I had a child I might have HIGHTAILED it by now! I dont even want to think about it. I think that my mom and I have finally found a little common ground: LIFE. It is really comforting to know that I have this incredible woman in my corner!!

Sundays mean shaving my legs, watching Desperate Housewives & Brothers and Sisters, and forgetting that the workweek lies ahead of me.

I LOVE SUNDAYS.

Things I'm thankful for

1. Kellen bringing me water every night before bed.
2. Brandi letting me leave early today to spend the afternoon at home with kellen.
3. Chewie snuggling with me.
4. Having a garage.
5. The ten inches of snow!

Snow Day

Isnt it funny how a snow day makes your mind turn to mush? When its snowing outside I cant seem to get any work done, I cant focus, and I just want to curl up in bed. I dont particularly like to play in it, because of that whole cold and wet thing, but it sure is pretty to watch from my warm bed!!

Today was an emotional day for me. I have a stressful situation at work and my heart is racing nonstop about what is going on. Im constantly worried about this issue and I cant wait for it to be resolved. It literally makes me want to throw up to think about it.

At least today my boss was kind enough to let me leave early and take advantage of this snow day, and I even talked Kellen into calling in today and spend the afternoon with me, which was really nice. Our counseling sessions have been going really well and we have tried really hard to make sure we are having fun together. Today, Kellen actually wrote my name in the snow with his pee!! good idea in theory, implementation was horrible!! It was the grossest thing that I have seen in a looooong time! and then my imitation of how he looked swiveling his hips and holding his thang while he was doing it was even funnier, both of us laughed for like five minutes!

So, this afternoon I spent most of my time on the couch watching Criminal Minds and knitting the baby blanket that I am working on! It was magnificent! It was mindless, it helped me get the work situation out of my thoughts for a while. Which was good, because I can let that worry melo to death. I think its really stupid and I cant even imagine the motivation behind it. UGH.

I really think I am going to repaint the living room and hopefully our bedroom sometime this summer. When Rebekah moves out we will put our furniture in that room, and then get new furniture for us, YES! Of course, all that means is that I can spend a LOT of money in my head, way before I actually have it. hee hee :)

Today I was watching a news segment about a cop who was speeding to help another cop and a girl darted out in front of him, and she was killed instantly. Well, now he is being prosecuted for reckless homicide. This really stirred up some emotion for me because how can a pillar of the community who had a horrible accident be prosecuted like this? I just cant even imagine how that guy must be feeling. He already has to deal with the guilt of killing an eleven year old girl, and now he is going on public trial, to an audience of the whole country now that this story is generating steam.... this could so easily happen to anyone!! By the way, the man's name is Ron Killings... Ironic.

Things that make me happy

My backyard filled with flowers
sunlight filling my bedroom
making my own candles
cooking for other people, especially new recipes
hosting parties and having the girls over
knitting things for people
bubble baths
reading
shopping
decorating the house
working on projects on the house
playing and snuggling with chewie
spending time with my family
singing- in the shower, in the car, in the rain, whereever!
playing with little kids
coming home to a clean house
having a glass (or three) of wine
chitchatting with friends
making lunch dates
long hot baths, in the dark, watching TV from the tub :)

Counseling Assignment

Ways that want to receive love:

I want you to pick me something small up that shows that he was thinking about me.
If I mention that I like something, pay attention to the details of what I say, and surprise me with it.
Leave me a note in my car while Im at work... so when I get ready to go home, something lets me know that you went out of your way to show me that you were thinking of me and that you care.
Bring me a diet coke to work... Im ALWAYS in need of one.
Have flowers delivered to me at work... it is a public display of your love for me. (p.s. I love getting flowers other than roses.)
Take the initiative to MAKE A RESERVATION somewhere nice. I want to feel like you want to show me off.
I love it when you compliment me in front of your family. This really means a lot. It would mean a lot to me if you did the same in front of my family. Sometimes I feel like you do the opposite.
Sing me a song... not about what Im doing at the time... but take some time to put together a little rhyme.
Cleaning up the house, and letting me know that you are doing it because you appreciate me.
Cooking me dinner. It means so much to come home to a cooked meal, with a nice bottle of wine, candle lit...
Giving me a massage...
Calling me up and asking me on a date.
Making lunch plans for a date.
Planning an afternoon.
Planning a long weekend.
Being nice to my friends, even if you dont like them. Being cordial to them anyways shows that you care about what my friends think about you.

Hot Mess

It has intentionally been a while since I have blogged, mostly because I cant even seem to sort through my own thoughts... and the flow of information that comes out of my brain is almost embarrassing.

I laugh that right now I am a hot mess. It really is just a defense mechanism... I have to laugh just to keep from crying some days. Actually, since the good ol Doc gave me some Lexapro, I havent cried in a good long while. (which is good and bad.) Sometimes a girl just needs to let it all out... So, now, instead of feeling sadness... I just feel numb. (which again, is good and bad.)

I find myself avoiding contact with my friends and family. Can they see right through what I tell them? I have become more of a liar, to the people around me, and possibly to myself. I dont even know what it is that I am searching for half the time!! I just want to be happy, be in love, feel adored, cherished, valued...

That is one of the reasons I dont like to talk to my mom right now... any talk about how Im feeling in my marriage (like NOT feeling any of those things,) she tells me that that's what marriage is... Just look at her and my dad, they dont do anything together, they dont have common interests... she does everything and is the first one everyone blames... I have come to see her perspective over this last year. And it depresses me even more. Recently I asked her "So, what do you do that makes you happy?" She said "Decorating and gardening." Holy Crap.

You know what? I want the love that they sing about in country music songs... I want to have country music songs sang to me! I want to feel that rush of love again... and the thought of never having that again and Im only 22 is so depressing to me. I look around, and I have EVERYTHING that I want. I want for NOTHING. I have a beatiful house, the perfect dog, walk in closet, new car, I ordered a laptop today, I am going to Sam Moon tomorrow. Shit. I am such a spoiled little brat and I always want more.

This is why I havent been blogging... Geez, I have to be honest with myself. Do you think that we all just get lost in these fantasies of true love and prince charming, but all it really is is a business partner that you decide you can tolerate long term? In the beginning of our marriage, Kellen and I fought because we were getting to understand how each other liked to do things. (mostly he was learning that I like my towels folded just so, dont worry, I will do them.. That I dont like unfolded socks. Put the toilet seat down, please. Wipe the mirror every now and then. Leave the blinds open during the day-I didnt pay extra for a golf course view for no reason. Don't put washcloths in the sink. Gross.) things like that... Kellen didn't really have any significant things I had to get used to. He likes a certain side of the bed, but that really doesn't matter to me. I like to fall asleep with the TV on, and he needs complete and utter silence. He ACTUALLY went and bought these headphone like things that cover his ears to drown out the noise. He even has earplugs. Ugh.

Anyway... NOW we don't really argue. Kellen knows how I like to do things, and he goes with the flow. He gets me a glass of water before I go to bed EVERY night, and gets coffee ready in the morning. The problem that we run into now is that we DONT argue, and I was feeling very ignored, alone, forgotten. I was feeling that way for so long, I was ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes I just want to drive away and never come back. Just start over somewhere new. Is that normal?

I know that this post is random, and I'm just rambling at this point... but I'm sitting on the couch just looking at all the THINGS I have. Sitting next to my perfect puppy, who is laying on a baby blanket that I am knitting. I am thinking about projects I want to do around the house: install the recessed lights (a $2000 job if done by an electrician,) install shelving in the laundry room, moving the light above the table, painting the table (finally)... Kellen is in the bedroom going to sleep early.

I have been obsessing about trying to figure out just how I feel about Kellen right now. He is a good man, I know that and nothing will ever change my opinion of him. He has high moral character and integrity, a ridiculous work ethic, he is financially conservative, (and politically). He is sooo trying to show me that he loves me, and I really appreciate the effort. Ugh, why is life/marriage so hard? when you are happy and young, you think it cant possibly be that difficult. Kellen and I never fought before we got married, and it seems like the arguing started on the honeymoon.

What a mess... a hot mess... I need to get my head straight!!