Lauren Nicole

So, I guess I had forgotten that I made that last post (or more likely I had a bottle of wine before I wrote it, so I forgot.) Which is part of why I'm here...

I've finally decided to make an appt with a doctor and a counselor to help me figure some things out. I NEVER thought that this would be an issue that I would have to deal with, but I have changed a lot this year, and I dont feel like it is for the better. I want the old me back. The one who is confident and happy... where did she go? and how do I find her again?

Those are the things I want to address, and soon. I am starting to feel depths of sadness that I didnt know I had in me. I am constantly on the verge of tears... I am behaving in ways that crave immediate satisfaction. Things like drinking, which I do daily... shopping, spending money I know that I shouldnt be spending, but needing that boost of whatever good feeling it gives me as Im swiping that card, or making that cute selection. Even online shopping...I have not been eating consistently... most nights I just "drink my dinner," and that is a direct quote.

While all of those things provide a short boost... long term, they are all destructive. See? I KNOW this stuff in my head... why cant I make my head and my actions align? I feel like I have lost myself completely... and I dont know what else to do. There is war going on inside me, and I want it to end soon! :(