Losing Myself

These last few months I have really struggled with knowing my ever-changing self, and struggling to reestablish my identity. I know that I have evolved, probably ten-fold, since I have had enough time to enjoy my time and reflect on who I am, and I am trying to find out just who I've turned out to be... or who I am going to turn out to be.

Questions that I struggle with daily are: Am I a good person? Am I a trustworthy person? Am I a good friend? Am I lovable? Am I attractive? Am I honest with myself?

I have been fighting these self esteem issues for the first time. I used to be so sure of myself. Who I was. What I represented. What my moral foundations meant to me. (the level of crazy I'm capable of.) Now I feel like somehow I have lost all of that. I don't know how or why, but my personal identity feels like a hologram, rather than an ever-present figure. People that used to contribute to my high self-esteem, now contribute to this conflict I am having. I feel emotionally and physically abandoned with my marriage... and there is no resolution currently in sight. Professionally I feel insecure, where I used to feel confident and strong.

Is this something that everyone experiences? Is it just a phase/stage/age?I keep thinking I will bounce back, but mostly I just want to run away. Start fresh. Try again. :(

Dreaming

I am toying around with the idea of keeping a dream diary, but the concept seems like one that will get me into trouble! It's not that I feel like my dreams are a reflection of my heart's true desires... but more of just little tidbits from my day that my subconscious wants to play with when I fall asleep!

But still, if I dream about another man, or another woman for that matter... will Kellen consider it a betrayal? Does the fact that I remember my dreams and he doesn't constitute a different standard? Just because he doesn't remember an erotic dream doesn't mean he has never had one... not that I would want him to share it with me if he did have one... but I digress. If I keep one, I want to keep it entirely private to avoid this very situation. I want it so that I, and I alone, can remember the intense dreams that I have... especially the ones that I particularly enjoy! But even the ones that I don't! I think it's so fascinating the way the mind works when we are sleeping!

Is this something that I can do without committing an offense? They are, after all... just dreams :)