Hot Mess

It has intentionally been a while since I have blogged, mostly because I cant even seem to sort through my own thoughts... and the flow of information that comes out of my brain is almost embarrassing.

I laugh that right now I am a hot mess. It really is just a defense mechanism... I have to laugh just to keep from crying some days. Actually, since the good ol Doc gave me some Lexapro, I havent cried in a good long while. (which is good and bad.) Sometimes a girl just needs to let it all out... So, now, instead of feeling sadness... I just feel numb. (which again, is good and bad.)

I find myself avoiding contact with my friends and family. Can they see right through what I tell them? I have become more of a liar, to the people around me, and possibly to myself. I dont even know what it is that I am searching for half the time!! I just want to be happy, be in love, feel adored, cherished, valued...

That is one of the reasons I dont like to talk to my mom right now... any talk about how Im feeling in my marriage (like NOT feeling any of those things,) she tells me that that's what marriage is... Just look at her and my dad, they dont do anything together, they dont have common interests... she does everything and is the first one everyone blames... I have come to see her perspective over this last year. And it depresses me even more. Recently I asked her "So, what do you do that makes you happy?" She said "Decorating and gardening." Holy Crap.

You know what? I want the love that they sing about in country music songs... I want to have country music songs sang to me! I want to feel that rush of love again... and the thought of never having that again and Im only 22 is so depressing to me. I look around, and I have EVERYTHING that I want. I want for NOTHING. I have a beatiful house, the perfect dog, walk in closet, new car, I ordered a laptop today, I am going to Sam Moon tomorrow. Shit. I am such a spoiled little brat and I always want more.

This is why I havent been blogging... Geez, I have to be honest with myself. Do you think that we all just get lost in these fantasies of true love and prince charming, but all it really is is a business partner that you decide you can tolerate long term? In the beginning of our marriage, Kellen and I fought because we were getting to understand how each other liked to do things. (mostly he was learning that I like my towels folded just so, dont worry, I will do them.. That I dont like unfolded socks. Put the toilet seat down, please. Wipe the mirror every now and then. Leave the blinds open during the day-I didnt pay extra for a golf course view for no reason. Don't put washcloths in the sink. Gross.) things like that... Kellen didn't really have any significant things I had to get used to. He likes a certain side of the bed, but that really doesn't matter to me. I like to fall asleep with the TV on, and he needs complete and utter silence. He ACTUALLY went and bought these headphone like things that cover his ears to drown out the noise. He even has earplugs. Ugh.

Anyway... NOW we don't really argue. Kellen knows how I like to do things, and he goes with the flow. He gets me a glass of water before I go to bed EVERY night, and gets coffee ready in the morning. The problem that we run into now is that we DONT argue, and I was feeling very ignored, alone, forgotten. I was feeling that way for so long, I was ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes I just want to drive away and never come back. Just start over somewhere new. Is that normal?

I know that this post is random, and I'm just rambling at this point... but I'm sitting on the couch just looking at all the THINGS I have. Sitting next to my perfect puppy, who is laying on a baby blanket that I am knitting. I am thinking about projects I want to do around the house: install the recessed lights (a $2000 job if done by an electrician,) install shelving in the laundry room, moving the light above the table, painting the table (finally)... Kellen is in the bedroom going to sleep early.

I have been obsessing about trying to figure out just how I feel about Kellen right now. He is a good man, I know that and nothing will ever change my opinion of him. He has high moral character and integrity, a ridiculous work ethic, he is financially conservative, (and politically). He is sooo trying to show me that he loves me, and I really appreciate the effort. Ugh, why is life/marriage so hard? when you are happy and young, you think it cant possibly be that difficult. Kellen and I never fought before we got married, and it seems like the arguing started on the honeymoon.

What a mess... a hot mess... I need to get my head straight!!